Breast Cancer Advice Center

Can some one tell me if this sounds good...its part of a book report?

To start with, Breast Cancer: Questions and Answers, answers many questions that young women may have and helps them be more aware of the facts about breast cancer. One fact that a young women can learn from this book is that the number one killer in America for women is breast cancer. Another fact that I learned from this book is, “One in eight women will get breast cancer, but that is not completely accurate…Your risk is now [considering you’re a your women] but it will rise as you age,” (pg. 52, Breast Cancer: Questions and Answers). Questions that is asked often are, “What are the risks?” and “How can the cancer be treated?”; the book answers these questions along with well over 100 others. Lastly I believe that our school should get the book, Breast Cancer: Questions and Answers, not only because it could be used, for example, a research project in health, but because of that simple fact that young women are not fully aware of all the facts about breast cancer. One thing I learned from the book that I did not know before is that, “Drinking alcohol--beer, wine, or hard liquor--increases the risk of breast cancer, especially for women under the age of thirty,” (pg. 83). Another thing I found is that, “The bruising of a breast does not affect the chances of getting breast cancer,” (pg. 44). But the main reason this is so important, is the reality that almost everyone knows someone that has been diagnosed with this particular type of cancer. Personally, my grandmother has had it, and my great grandmother. Maybe if young women are more alert about the information, then the ratio of 1-8 could become less.

Public Comments

1. It's a great rough draft. Following is a possible example of an edited version:
   To start with, Breast Cancer: Questions and Answers, addresses many concerns that (young) women<<old women and men don't have questions?>> may have about breast cancer,and helps them be more aware of the facts. For example, one might learn that the leading cause of death in young women is breast cancer. In additon, “One in eight women will get breast cancer, but that is not completely accurate…Your risk is one in eight now [considering you’re a your women] but it will rise as you age,” (pg. 52, Breast Cancer: Questions and Answers). Among frequently asked questions are, “What are the risks?” and “How can the cancer be treated?” The book answers these questions along with well over 100 others.
   Finally, I believe that our school should acquire the book, Breast Cancer: Questions and Answers, not only because it will be useful, for example,to research a health project, but due to the fact that students here are not fully aware of all the information about breast cancer. One thing I learned from the book that I did not know before is that, “Drinking alcohol--beer, wine, or hard liquor--increases the risk of breast cancer, especially for women under the age of thirty,” (pg. 83,ibid). I also learned that, “The bruising of a breast does not affect the chances of getting breast cancer,” (pg. 44,ibid). This is vitally important,because almost everyone knows someone who has been diagnosed with this particular type of cancer. Of my family members, my grandmother has had it, and my great grandmother. If our student library had this book, and our students read it, then the ratio of 1-8 could become less, at least among our students and alumni.
   If you do not own one already, please acquire a copy of Strunck and White's "The Elements of Style". Trust me, your grades will skyrocket proportional to your use of this book!
   You have a lot of potential as a writer, contingent on improving your vocabulary and making use of a wide variety of words. Keep up the good work. P.S. Men can also have breast cancer, and those who have it are more likely to die of it, because so few people know that men can get it!
   Best wishes.
2. I think its really good hope u get a good grade
3. It's a little wordy.
4. i would say right now It's a B
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   vote me for best answer
5. the content is good, but why is it written like that "Questions and Answers?"
   
   the actual way you wrote it doesn't seem to flow properly. you started a scentence with But. And that didn't make sense But the main reason is so important just say The main reason is the most important reason (and then explain the reason)
   
   Then you just jump into it about your grandmother without a lead-in. Are these answers supposed to be set up like that
6. What grade report is this for? It isn't very well formed and it doesn't flow. Your sentences and ideas should connect and form a larger thought.
7. keep out the "one thing", "another thing", "i think". you don't think you KNOW. stop using the same openings for your sentences (i.e. another fact i learned...). elaborate on the details and don't use that many quotes, it makes you sound weak. This is your book report not theirs. Spice up the word choice. the whole grandma thing is good, though obviously it's personal. make it more formal. also check your grammar, there's some mistakes.
   
   This has a great start so don't get frustrated with all my picks at it.
8. Get someone to help you check your grammar. It's all good and correct information. If you made the top 3 or even top 5 impressions your research made on you, the essay would be more interesting. Could you possibly ask a cancer survivor their story of discovery and treatment?
   Just want to let you know that most doctor's offices and even community clinics have critical information in pamphlets. You could get that information from the Cancer Society in your area and hand out a pamphlet to everyone in your class - nice touch and shows that you really do care about informing all sisters of this detectable and most often treatable illness. Good Luck.
9. you really need to have some one read this to fix all the grammatical errors. your sentences have a lot of unneeded or wrong tense words. watch your "that"s "are"s and "is"s. I would take out "to start with". when you say "your risk is now" its a little confusing you may want to rethink that sentence and the way you word it. when you go into the conclusion it gets a little hairy. starting at "but the main reason..." what is the specific type of cancer you are talking about? also you may want to make this two paragraphs. watch when you change ideas like explaining why your school should buy the book. its good though keep working and good luck!