Breast Cancer Advice Center

When should I tell my son's father about my possible breast cancer?

I have an amicable relationship with my 10 year old son's father. We've had a few issues in the past, but have very pleasant relations because of our son. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and sometimes has issues that affect whether or not my son goes and stays with him. For example, last Christmas I had to go and pick up my son a few days early because he had been fighting with his wife and didn't want my son to be around that. While I am appreciative and am happy that he is respectful of my son and doesn't want my son around his chaotic life, I don't want my son to ever live with him if anything should happen to me. I was recently given a "breast cancer scare." Basically, the doctor's think that I have inflammatory breast cancer and need surgery soon. I'm going to have a biopsy in the next few weeks...when should I tell my son's father that I could possibly be dealing with a life threatening cancer situation? That I don't want our son to live with him?

Public Comments

1. Don't tell him. Then when you pass away, he'll feel really guilty for divorcing you.
2. wait until after the biopsy, but tell your son
3. tell him that your breast have cancer. thats all
4. Do it now, so you can get it over with. And then you can stop worrying about it.
5. sorry to hear that
   just write it down nd if ur son's father dont listen well, thats just wrong. and writing it down will help just in case u cant say it in words.
6. There is no time like today. No offense but who knows what the future will bring. Being presented with the challenge today means better preparedness tomorrow. Tell him sooner than later.
7. I'd keep my mouth shut until I knew for sure unless you want to kiss that amicable relationship goodbye for nothing.
8. tell him one you feel like he will listen
9. I would say its great that your thinking ahead of telling him, normally I would say tell him now so he can be prepared, but if it was me I would wait and see what the doctors say and then seek legal advice on the situation before you even tell him just so your wishes can be carried out.
   
   I hope everything comes out positive for you!
10. I think it is pretty important to tell him now. If something would happen to you he would have your son. Plus if you would have cancer he could help you help your son deal with it.
11. You should tell him as soon as you can, he may be able to help you. Since this may be life threatening, you will want to let him know before it gets to serious, because if you do die, you will want a full plan prepared for your son.
12. There is no need to tell him unless you actually have cancer. Don't tell him before you know.
    
    You may not be able to stop him from having custody if you die. Rather than talking it over with him, I would meet with a lawyer to plan your will and discuss options. No one with a child should be without a will.
13. You will beat this disease and come out fine, you have my prayer. But still, if you really really don't want your son to live with his father if something happens to you, then you need to start making arrangements. Who do you want him to live with? Talk to that person and your lawyer.
    And the father should know about this all... as soon as it's appropriate to start the subject. I mean, when it gets serious. If it doesn't get serious, then no need to tell him at all.
14. Don't tell anyone 'till you're sure you have it. Don't appear to be a dramatic self-centered oh, look at me my world is coming to an end everyone spend every waking moment with me and shower me with gifts and attention, oh nevermind I'm OK - person.
    
    If you care about them you will spare them the inconvenience (for lack of a better word) until you are sure you are ill.
    
    I hate to sound cruel, but that's the honest truth.
15. Don't say a word to him until after you a confirmed diagnosis and treatment plan.
    Then make arrangements with a relative or whomever you truley want your son to live with.
    
    Then contact your ex and ask to speak with him and his wife quietly . Discuss everything with them and get their reaction and input
    Then tell your son
16. that is a really tough decision to be trying to make on top of every thing else. You should probaly work out other plans for where you son will be staying and make sure everything is legal before you tell the dad. That way he has no way of changing your plans should you become hospitalized and unable to make those types of decsions.
    
    
    I hope everything works out for the best!
17. I would be honest b/c if something was to happen to you,don't you want you son taken care of. Tell him,don't wait when things could get bad...
18. I would suggest sitting down with him in a very comfortable setting, have someone watch your son, let him know the situation and what is going on and let him know it's time for you both to start talking about what will happen if something happens to you. Planning the future so to speak. All parents need to have this conversation. If he is uncooperative then you can always go to a lawyer as I am assuming you have full custody. Good luck sweetie and cheers to you for being such a great mom!
19. You first need to get the results from the biopsy and see if you can send a specimen to a second lab for a second opinoin.
    
    Then figure out what your plans would be. I would suggest doing a will that outline that information. And would not say anything to his father until you really have to. By that time everything will be in place. And actually, I really dont think that he will be that upset and it sounds as if he would realize that you are correct that his home would not be the best place but he would still continue visitation as he is now.
    
    I will pray for you and hope that it all works out for your health.
20. i,m hopeful for a happy outcome an you really shouldn,t worry, but you should consider alternative child care regardless. but he does have the right to know an it should come from you.
21. if you think that it will be used against you then no - but if it will benefit you all then yes
22. I am a single mom with 2 kids and when I found out last year that I had breast cancer I found that the guys were pretty underdstanding and almost civil with me. But I would wait until after I got the test results back before I would say anything.